The Complexity of Love

I tried to mislay you

I ran

Obsessed with a fabled sovereignty

We would stand face to face

Hand to hand

Soul to soul

Furthermore the quicker I ran

I struggled to expunge the memories of us

Collectively

Souls and bodies as one

In the midst of another I glance left

On the wall were shadows of us

You and I

Evermore we shall be

But I never told you

How you make me feel

Deep within my heart

A fire burns; it turns to embers at times

But as you draw closer to me the embers twist to flame

I still need you

Forever need you

You and no more than you

You are the one and only

I close my eyes and I see you in front of me

I ran, blindly through the lane eager for traffic to numb the sting

Thinking that I could live devoid of you was an oversight

Thank God you never left

You were nearby

I collapsed in your arms; you carried me away

Away from the pain

Away from the chaos, the uncertainty

And the rest just fell away

Akin to melting snow on a blistering road

I’m nothing without you

You make me… me

To you I belong

Always and forever

Forever and Always

Through it all we will be us

I love you

Premonition

I suffer this approaching panic

Shaking my head fiercely to rid my mind

As if it were raining and the fear would roll

From my mind to my face

Down my neck and chest

To my toes where I stood in the puddle of the anxiety I created

And simply walk away from this…This quiet facing the gale

For, a steady quiet stream is far from the chaos that will come

And I can feel it

Straight down to the marrow of my willowy bones

A change in the rhythm of the cascading waterfall I dub my life

My very breath is shallow and quick in anticipation of the unknown

My heart is racing, feeling as if it will beat right out of my chest

 And I cry out a loud agonizing plea that no one hears but me

Because I know I can’t impede it, can’t stop it

I sleep, I dream, I know, I plead; beg for the knowledge to be concrete

To know exactly what storm I face…

Or is it that of another?

As a little girl, knowing when the phone would ring was exciting

As a teen having dreams that seemed to come to life at times seemed inevitable

As a woman being paid these gut wrenching feelings … a knowing

A blessing or a curse will always be my core reflection

Breathing acutely I ponder this sense of trepidation

Refusing to listen to what I discern already is to be

Finally, I will sleep

And tomorrow the phone will ring; I already know whose calling

I’ll turn on the television, already knowing to turn on the news

A single tear trailing down my pale cheek

Outside sirens sound

Footsteps … uniforms and badges

A knock on the door

OH could I have prevented this?

All along I knew!

Retracing the steps in my mind; I’m reeling with emotion

A shaking brings my mind to the surface

It’s my husband; just a dream he says

I fall against the pillows, turning my face towards the window

I notice the moon is full                                   

I feel wetness on my cheek

The single tear from my dream was on my face.

                               

WHY?

As we struggle with the things we cannot explain

We ask

Why God Why?

Why me?

Why my family?

Why God?

And as we sit there, tears streaming down our faces

It seems we wait an eternity for the answers

Closing off our hearts, putting our minds under lock and key

Anger swells like hot air in a balloon

And the balloon soars because heat rises

But there comes a point when it runs out, the balloon comes down

We realize that the anger has changed nothing.

The grass is still the same color green as when we took off

The faces of the people around us are still the same

Then appears the man who walks over to the balloon and releases the strings

Though the balloon leaves, the basket stays

Finally the light comes on

And we know now to let go

Let go, let go, let go, let go

And just as the heat of anger rises to the sky

Someday so will our spirits.

And they will mingle among the angels

Our sweet, luminescent angels

It soars finally because we let go

And we let God

We let go, we let God and we have faith

So have faith my friends, and your answers will come

Like a breeze over the ocean, like foot prints in the sand

A dream that feels so real we can smell and feel everything about us

You will sit up and thank God for keeping you

For he kept you, because you kept faith in him

For Jillian

Brought together, you and I

Trial and error carry us around the bend

Time and time again

Kindred are we

Souls and spirits that seem to fit just right

Beautiful

Like a rose our friendship blooms

 Aligns our lives just so

Beautiful

The memories, the mistakes, and the time we spend

Hours and hours

On the phone

Late at night, I in my city, you in yours

As I pray for you, knowing your faults

Praying for you to love yourself again

Beautiful

Is our loyalty in one another

For we know livid or not

When we look for someone to need us

For someone to believe in us

We need only to look at each other

And we will know

Friends were we then

Friends are we now

Friends we will forever be

Beautiful

Friends forever we will be

Keeping Faith

With each breath, my heart aches for you

I close my eyes, imagining I am in the midst of you

Taking the hurt away

Spiraling in the other direction I open them once more

This time I witness him crossing that stage proud, a man strong and true

At times my head argues with my heart

But to you Lord, I stay true

My faith growing strong day after day

Knowing that I am far and wide

Each moment in time I am looked-for

So I’ve tied a thread about my heart precious Lord

As I wait to be guided by you; my healer

The healer of my spirit, my mind, my soul

And I know you are there for the seen

For the unseen

You humble me dear lord

You have molded me into an instrument

An instrument that is heard athwart the earth

From sea to radiant sea

And I find myself in awe

For I will in no way miss a thing

As I deem you as my portion

Jesus, you are all I require

Over it

The road is extensive, twisting

Narrow, tough and exact

The struggles are irrelevant

As I know that I am candid in all that I do

Its over

The torturing myself

The fixing

The division that was caused

The breach that cannot be mended

Dealt by the utmost of all traitors

The pain, the clouds cast about my head

Gone now; the need to plead

For my hands and feet are guided by heavens’ holiest of the holy

Vanished now is the desperation, the urgency to make believers out of naught

My smile is that of poise

A smile pointedly a demonstration of my faith in the lord

 Those who cast bread upon the water

Best prepare themselves for the remnants to return

At last, it is done, over, finished

I march straight of spine, spirit high

For god’s love is vast

Greater than the Foley that falls about us

to a forever mother

 Small shallow breaths

To slow the rapid beats

Of my broken heart

Forever seeking a moment that

Will forever be just out of reach

A physical loss of the life of a child

A child never born

But who lived inside the womb and heart

Of a forever mother

Never forgotten

Remembered forever and always

A mother’s undying love

A constant vigil

For

What will always be

The life of a child never made imperfect

And so I will forever remember loving you

A soul untouched

By a world driven by pride

A spirit in its purest form

Free to look down upon us

Free to watch as we grow

And ready ourselves to meet our maker

And he smiles

My angel child spirit

As he knows that he will be but a season remembered

Lord take my hand

As I feel myself falling into the sadness

In the still of the quiet

With each breath

With the steady rhythm of my heart

I will remember you

A memory still

A memory always you’ll be

Forever perfect

In the still quiet moments

Forever small, forever a dream

A perfect forever dream

For the Broken

Part 1

Gone, I’ve vanished

Shadows, desolate and bitter

White smoke numbs the cry

But the tears that run down my face

Are hotter than any flame

Pictures of her haunt me

Guns and grenades didn’t aid

I’ve run from one side of the game to the other

No forgetting

The ache in my chest

Seems to take hold of my mind

My every thought

I wish desperately for Novocain

To take hold of my mind

To help me forget

Part 2

I see you

Oh desperate one

Reach for me

I’ll pull you out of the hole you think you’ve dug

Not an angel but a human being

Beating heart in rhythm to the sting you suffer

Take a bough

Run no more

No Novocain

What you seek

You will find

In the arms of the Lord

The Desparate Man

As I lay absent

I know not what I’ve done

Rapt in the soil of what is human

When all I desire is sovereignty

Toil and turn

Howling out for mercy

No one hears me

As you all are beside me

You weep as if I suffer

Oh I was, I did for an era

But it was your prayers that has stayed me

Two spirits, one body, one soul

My eyes open

And I stare past the weeping ones

My eyes open

I see you

And as my body lies in suffer

You reach for me

You seize me from the pain

From the chaos

You are the hurricane

I am the tree

And I bend

As I finally feel your love

Wash over me

And I finally have peace

A peace I tried in desperation to find here

When all along

All I had to do was open my eyes

I see you now

And you are beautiful

Beautiful Soul

Tell me a tale

One of magical places

Places where when

 You go there I’ll see

I’ll see the pure splendor

Of a face unseen

But a soul fully known

Because

We are in a season

A season of loss

Growth

But the growth of

A beautiful soul

A soul that

When I see you in heaven

All my questions will be answered

So don’t tell me that tale

Rather

Come to me in my dreams

Remind me that the reasons I’m here

And you are there

Make sense

And when I wake

Let me feel the warmth of you

Of you once in my womb

But now a extraordinary memory

In my heart

A special thread in my soul

That

Without it

The rest of this life would seem for not

Let me walk in the sand

And you’ll be the softness under my feet as I walk

You’ll be the breeze that lifts my hair

You’ll be the still small voice

The voice given with God

The voice that says

We’ll meet again

And when I lay my head to rest at night

I’ll put my hand to my core

And to you, with a still small voice

Empowered by faith

I’ll say

I’ve loved you before I met you

Warmed by the sweet memory

You, my forever child; Have bestowed onto me

Dedicated to the Unseen

Woken by an unfamiliar alteration

I knew something had changed

White lights and taut beds

You seized my hand

And looked into my eyes

As we knew what we have mislaid

And the angels weep

For the souls left on earth

Anguished the loss of what could have been

And never was

The angels cried

As they cradled chaste virtue

Reading them for what would be

And the angels smiled

Knowing what we do not

But eminence silently

Waiting

For our faith to grow strong

So we then will know

Someday

Innocence vanished on earth

 was gained above

And the angels cry

A Mother, Lost

A Mother, Lost

my heart beats

blood tepid pluse swift

so much force tiresome

too much toil and turn

when will it be sufficient

the cursing the yelling

shutting me in the bathroom

falling on the floor i reach

for my branch

what have i done

what gaffe have I permitted into

our lives

A  child within me now

at this instant

at this juncture

 i stand

holding fast to the belief

that all will be sound

holding fast to my conviction

driving in the heart of the way

i look to the babe hidden

soundly in the back seat

I pray that we make it home

in safe hands

where is home

my mentality says here with you

my spirit knows anywhere but with you

I stare at you

i recognize you

I do not

I know that babe

in the back seat

I know now that you

are you

and I'm not stupid

I know now that my trust was wrong

i placed my reliance in you

when it should have been in the Lord